Hey Lovelies,
Happy Monday! Sorry I haven’t blogged for a little bit, much has been going on in my life, and I am trying to figure out my next career move. At the moment and due to my depression I work when I can (I undertake temporary work in offices) and when I am feeling like I can’t cope I don’t work. I do not claim benefits when I can’t work because I do not need to – thankfully. I really don’t have a passion for office admin work but that is what I fell in to. However like many people I have never found a job I enjoy – this probably has not made it any easier to stick in a role. I find many offices extremely catty, and aggressive. I have only worked for two companies where this isn’t the case, but my depression has always caught up with me, and I have decided to leave these companies anyway.
I am just coming out of a depressive episode at the moment, and have cancelled some temporary work I was supposed to be doing. I didn’t tell them it was because of my depression, but I did tell them I was ill. This is a difficult situation to be in, and maybe I should start being honest with companies and agenices…
The way I feel today and more and more, I don’t ever want to step back into a fusty office again. For me working for “the man” isn’t something that I aspire to do. I want to spend time finding a job I love. Does that sound terribly idealistic? I know many people do not have the luxury of this option but I finally do. My husband now earns enough to support both of us and pay the mortgage. Things are still tight financially, but we can more than cope. It just means no luxurious holidays, meals out or new clothes for a while. I am not moaning about this. I am very grateful. I understand if you judge me for not working. I know many people will, but I need to do what’s right for me and my mental health. I know I am extremely fortunate to be in the position I am in and I do not take it for granted.
Despite the depression I really feel I am making progress with my self esteem. Day by day, week by week, month by month I am becoming stronger. I know what I want from my relationships and I know who I am as a person. This has a great deal to do with my husband, my family and friends, maintaing a healthy diet and exercise regimen, and I think also turning 30. I am now figuring out what I want in terms of a career, and I am not afraid to work my ass off to get it. Often I have been misunderstood by people; friends and colleagues and this has been hard on my self-esteem. Those friends that have treated me with hostility I have rid from my life. I am lucky enough to have a great bunch of people who love me warts and all, so getting rid of the negative people was a no-brainer.
My sister sent me a poem at the weekend, which I have attached for you below. It makes me feel better about myself, it confirms that I am not defined by my past actions, or my physical appearance or what people think of me. Rather, I am defined by my choices.
PENNY BLACK BLOG 