anger | PENNY BLACK BLOG

My weekend started out normally enough. On Friday night Chris and I went to a friends house for dinner. We had a lovely evening eating pasta, drinking wine (in my case diet coke) and chatting into the night. On Saturday we met up with the same friends to have lunch at Maidenhead Food market. So far so relaxing, and fun.

Friday night relaxation at a friend’s house

Maidenhead food market stand

Queueing for yummy food

However I woke up today and something wasn’t right. My mood felt heavier than it had done in a while. As the morning went on it became clear that I was suffering from a depressive episode. I’m not sure if the depression is here temporarily or back to stay for a while.

So what happened today to confirm this fear?

Well there was a calm before the storm. I had breakfast and chatted to my husband. However I could feel little alarm bells going off in my head that I quite happily had been ignoring, but that I should have confronted. Firstly I slept longer than usual . This may sound inconsequential to most people but it is pivotal to my mood. I was awake by 8am, but stupidly continued to doze in bed until 10am. By the time I got out of bed I had a sleep hangover.

Secondly in order to keep my mind organised and healthy I need an uncluttered household. It does not have to be pristine, just tidy. However I havent kept on top of the house chores this week and the place is a state, a dirty messy state. The state of the house at the moment compounds my stress levels and anxiousness, and makes my depression feel worse. Also for the last couple of weeks I have been helping out a problematic family member, who because of their reckless behaviour can make me feel down and worried. I have been pushing these feelings aside in order to help them, but they also boiled up and over today.

I managed to stay calm until 12.15pm – I ate brunch and watched some television with my husband and then went to get in the shower. I asked Chris for some help with the house chores on the way to the bathroom and we ended up bickering. The long and short of it is this: he works full-time and I work part-time. We have therefore agreed prior that I would do the lions share of the chores. However this week I have avoided doing them because I have been feeling stressed. Avoiding the cleaning is a tiny sign, but a sign that I am not feeling well at the moment.

So today when Chris nicely but firmly challenged me on why I hadn’t been doing the chores I screamed and threw some things at the wall. Epic fail on my part and another sign that I am not feeling well at the moment. Chris then had to stop me getting into bed, because I was determined to go back to bed and avoid everything. I was abusive to him – I screamed, shouted and stomped my feet. My poor husband!

After I had climbed down from my temper tantrum, I had a cry and I apologised to Chris. He hugged me, forgave me and sent me off to get dressed. We drove to Windsor Great Park for a 2 mile walk and had lunch near the castle. It was the best thing he could have done for me today – he got me out in the fresh air and we walked and talked some of my mood off. As we walked we talked about how I was feeling, and what we could do to ease my anxiousness, stress levels and depression. We decided that I need to start going to bed earlier (9.00pm), get up at a decent time (8.00am) and that I should stop helping my family member during the working week – a hard choice but one that is right for me. We also decided to download a weekly home cleaning schedule off Pinterest, which you can view here to help me keep on top of the house chores.

In Windsor Great Park

I haven’t stuck to my diet today, but I plan to get back on track again tomorrow. Prior to today I had been having a successful week with my diet, and had even managed three days of exercise in a row. Here’s to applauding the small things, and dusting yourself off when you fall down.